I've declared a moratorium on lists of woes.

This was inspired by hearing myself deliver the following...

"How am I doing? My 15 month old son died with no explanation just before last Christmas. As a result we gave up our home and jobs and drove around the nation, fueled by consumer credit which is now generating major fees. My Aikido organization opted to deny my advancement for political reasons even after my teacher promoted me, a large portion of our dojo traveled at their own expense to San Diego as instructed, and I demonstrated twice. My dissertation is still in stasis, not past its first chapter, while my clock ends in December and the federal direct loan people have restarted payments (now entering default) because my school won't list me as in process until I make "acceptable progress". I am responsible for all our family earning beyond the money my wife makes to pay for her schooling and I have no reliable job yet, beyond flexible hourly labor, and lost all income from my Aikido teaching. Following a misjudgment while I was away working in D.C., Washington Mutual elected to extend "Overdraft Protection" (unrequested loans) even though I had had same removed (so no money = no withdrawls/fees) and perpetrated fraud by way of fees and penalties that deserves legislative attention.

Our van was stolen, emptied of it's most valuable contents and then recovered in time for me to pass too close to an AC Transit Bus parked in the only lane of traffic for repairs, and touch its mirror with mine such that my passenger side window exploded. Which cost $250 to replace. And the bus was apparently damaged. And a fellow claimed he got glass in his eye even though he was on the other side of the van and considerably lower down and the reporting officer was "skeptical". My passport request in April resulted in a counter-request while we were on the road for extensive additional information which was packed in storage at home so, when we got home, my packet of info crossed their "never mind - you'll have to pay $150 and start again" letter in the post. I have airline tickets for next Monday October 29th to work in Canada. The bureaucracy and paperwork cascade following all this has made other activities than working and lurching around catching up almost impossible. How are you?"

As yet another hearer became more and more horrified with this brief version of the last several months, mumbled sympathetic noises and went away shoulders slumped, I reflected that this process didn't seem to be serving anyone. I've been operating under the mistaken assumption that speaking of suffering was in almost all cases a good idea. As the litany gets longer and longer it would seem like a comic set-up if it were happening within the confines of a shaggy dog story, sit-com, or stand-up act. A concrete person saying these things is mostly an assault on the soft places in thehuman heart. Talking has probably reached the limit of its usefulness. I'm tired of most folks I know wincing in anticipation of another addition to the list whenever they see me coming. So no more.

I asked my father for specific advice, a practice more or less unheard of and, in all his spiritual, therapeutic, and academic wanderings, I wondered, what had he learned of sparking life-shifts when some pattern had passed beyond being profoundly burdensome. He suggested (paraphrased) that I do everything in my power to minimize the things I can control as soon as possible and simplify parts of my life wherever possible in order to have more bandwidth to deal with sudden attacks from without. Seems a good idea. A significant part of me is beginning to disavow my responsibility in this cascade, which is against my religion. The question is not do I have influence here, but which parts of this can be brought under beneficent influence.

So I got my hair cut. Time for a costume change, hacking off what remains of my history (you are what you eat > hair is extruded protein > long hair is a metaphorical and literal record of whatever has gone before). I didn't lop off my hair during Aidan's Funeral and send it to be burned with his body just because he spent so much time riding me and sleeping with his hands in it. Every meal and nap and body transition we shared was in that hair and I want to hang on to any part of him I can for as long as I can. However, if this is in any way connected to my current dilemmas, and I'm not sure about it either way, I'm willing to experiment with altering parts of my experiential system. It will also probably help me get hired. In San Francisco I got flirted with by members of both genders, nobody got out of my way as I walked down the street, and I seem to have suddenly become more approachable. Fascinating.

I highly recommend Joyce Hair Design (http://www.yelp.com/biz/S63wjabcaTsp_Fzo8xwOnQ) There is a clear conflict of interest in writing a recommendation for a "secret among friends." Granted the desire to promote a sterling businesswoman trumps this conflict, but the dilemma persists, so please tell all your friends to go but with the caveat that it mustn't be during the same shift I am trying to find parking and get my extruded protein managed.
Joyce has that rare combination of top scores in each of the qualities I consider that can generate a highest rating. Capacity (relational, technical, and artistic), Accessibility (excellent location that presents no barriers to a good experience), and price ($18 + tip). Above all else, it is immediately evident that her primary desire and capacity is to make your head, the focus of the way humans initially perceive and remember each other, attractive. She really cares how you look, not just because it makes her look good and brings in recommendations but because it makes her happy. I asked Eric Winters where he got his excellent cut and he happened to have one of her cards on him. Now I do as well. THE REAL DEAL.

Despite the rather ghostly reality governing our shared process at the moment, I realized I still carry an assumption that Beamish Process Arts, Inc. d.b.a Association Building Community (BPABC, or just ABC) carries unique and important mythic cargo, some pieces of the emerging, communitarian world view that are impossible, or at least very difficult, to find elsewhere. I think this is true of many other organizations as well but I am hunting our specific pieces in conscious opposition to the voice that says "we haven't made a noticable difference yet. What could we have to offer?" As we make decisions about whether to continue, I've been searching where I usually search for evidence of this kind of thing - in our story.

One piece of this became clearer to me on reading in a good friend and colleague's email:

went to a spiritual and activism exploration kind of thing today...why
do i do this?
was actually crying to think i spent so much time traveling to it....in
NYC. really nice people, nice speaker, but woe woe woe. does every one
have to try and reinvent the wheel, or at least think that they are
onto a New Idea?
ok ok ok.
When I tell people stories about ABC I often mention that we are oldish. I am the only member of our group under fifty-five and the others have been a part of either the upper management corporate world or peace and community activism since before The 60s in Berkeley were the 60s. There is a strong refrain in our history and dialogue that emerges from a history of disappointment with perfectly sound efforts to make peace or some related meaningful difference undermined by poor process despite existing expertise and stated commitments otherwise, by friction that could have led to self discovery and innovation but led instead to dissolution and even betrayal of partners and purpose.

There is something essential in a council of elders who have Been There and won't easily tolerate repetitions of those dilemmas, if we can gather young energy as well dedicated to building community on purpose and if we can still move forward through our fears that we won't have enough time and listening and clear enough communication to be faithful to our callings This Time.

When I go to progressive conferences to record them I study the form, content, and participants for traces of the developing Process Arts underlying our emerging world myth. A part of me despairs of getting paid for my real gift but wants to offer it anyway - an independent (third party), ongoing, facilitated, autocritical process that is a sophisticated debrief, inviting all voices to be heard before, during, and after. There are so many important developments missed or misunderstood which could be captured and understood if there were Process Arts in play throughout these "progressive" events. Otherwise "alternative" luminaries are satisfied with their own process savvy but don't identify the practice of the Process Arts as a whole as a value, therefore it sneaks in "by the way" in the same way that community is simply expected to happen when people get together, even when those involved know from experience it must be built on purpose at the cultural level. Still there is "no time for process" they've got to "focus on targets and goals"...and other corporatisms that keep all voices from coming forth and keep us repeating the same old shit woe woe woe.

It is the same dilemma John Abbe articulated so well while addressing the issue of the use of technology during the Nexus for Change events, thus far held once in Bowling Green, OH.

One may as well say "the event must serve" or "processes must serve the event" at which point you run the risk of making a statement so general that it becomes a platitude. Time for process (deep listening/dialogue/deliberation/etc), as an art, for its own sake is a cultural value cultivated in the presence of the inescapable. There will be a way that we are doing things. Process Arts simply make structure, method, and critique as conscious as can be arranged. Process time is not an option. It is not a question of if there will be structural choices but of how they will be made - habit, design, etc. Nexus is already using technology, so it is not an if proposition. The question is how to do that so that it serves best and sparkles most beautifully.

The question is ever: how to prepare and then authentically process difference and parallels such that "progress" doesn't simply rehearse the same tired and ever present power dynamics? I think it has to do with Elder voices, but in the literal older folk and inside the younger ones of us who have suffered set-backs and loss and have learned a bit of how to grieve. It is from that place that conflict may be practiced and processed with integrity and centered dynamism.

This Wednesday I'll help record the beginning of the Foundation for Human Enrichment's "First International Annual Somatic Experiencing® Conference" at the Claremont in Berkeley. I'll be at the Pangea conference Th-Fr solo recording and video taping their work toward pediatric wellness. Then it is on to Vancouver for BMC software's monster annual do. I'll be in Canada Oct 29-Nov 3.