Sensei and I spoke a few days ago and I promised to write this, but held off from the day of the demonstration until now. I will think a bit longer before putting forth an opinion as to why the wait was required but, now that Sensei has written, it seems appropriate to do so as well. I received the dojo card (thanks to the consistent care of Jeff Lee) and it felt lovely to read your congratulations and loving encouragement. Several questions are occupying part of my attention while I continue to write my dissertation.
How to participate in this as though martial disciplines are something I/we take seriously?
Do what I we've been practicing. When I'm not sure of the appropriate intervention I hope to wait in gentle motion to:
Where do I stand with: Sensei, myself, family, friends and acquaintances, clients, the dojo, the CAA and its Division One (Iwama stylists), Hombu Dojo (aka The Aikikai)?
Preparing and presenting the demo was a great pleasure. Beyond all the speculation about the value of working for rank and testing, I love to rehearse and perform and, like grabbing any excuse to throw a party, eagerly look forward to any chance to get special training around tests, demos and the like. Rank matters because we agree as a group to use a ranked system, it affects my income (higher rank = the expectation of charging more for professional work), it can be used well to create an ordered environment which aids training, and because, inevitably, when it is used poorly it gives crucial opportunities to make clear that true martial art forms are profoundly internal and intangible as well, especially in a world that includes interpersonal conflict on a daily basis but relatively little (in most upper-middle and upper class lives) regular physical confrontation.
As far as I'm concerned my promotion happened on May 31st. Sensei loudly encouraged me to repeat this to you in print.
My teacher, following the traditions of our art, the by-laws or our organization, and the proclamation of our Division Head on the day of the demonstration, recommended me for promotion and was publicly more than satisfied with what she saw on Wednesday at our dojo, on Saturday at Sunset Cliff's, and on reviewing the video of both. Good grief, what more could I want? The rest can circle the drain a few more times before dropping, if that will serve someone's purpose somewhere. When anyone asks, I say "Sensei promoted me in May, our division will probably recognize the promotion sometime in the next year, and then paperwork and money will probably wing their way Nipponwards sometime thereafter."
It might be interesting and revealing to conflict meaningfully with various brokers of power over this but, for now, I'm pretty freakin' tired of randori and, as long as it doesn't interfere with falling down in the dojo, why spend the energy in reaction that could be reserved for response? If this begins to leak out of its current container and directly impact (beyond sympathetic reaction) other folks than just Sensei and me, then I will have to re-evaluate and begin choosing targets. That would not be acceptable. It is part of our job descriptions as martial artists to make each other, our teachers, colleagues, students, and community a bit usefully uncomfortable and we and they are responsible for living up to that and what follows.
What needs doing?
Training! Paul Lord happened to be in Dallas last night, so he and Lisa and I headed for North Texas Aikido (Russ Alvey, Sensei) for some time on the mat. Lisa and I both began our Aikido paths there and, even though the dojo has relocated, it still feels like home. They don't zoom like Sensei does (and consequently we do) but their clarity and heart continue to shine ever more brightly. Nothing motivates like a good ole' Texas sankyo or nikyo. :) And the beer, stories, and humor while sitting around on the mat after class never fail to raise my cosmic gratitude level. I HIGHLY recommend that you bring a friend or five to the dojo and grow our practice. More bodies to toss means better understanding of variations in your body and more proverbial arrows for your martial quiver. The possibilities make me. Quiver, I mean.
Beyond that I think it would probably be wise to see how the Div 1 dojocho respond to Sensei's letter and then
Again, feeling gratitude for you and for everyone from around the country who has been so clear and forthcoming,
Brandon WilliamsCraig, yondan
How to participate in this as though martial disciplines are something I/we take seriously?
Do what I we've been practicing. When I'm not sure of the appropriate intervention I hope to wait in gentle motion to:
- get close enough to make a dynamic difference but also far enough off the line so as not to be swept away
- breath smoothly and become aware of as much as is possible
- trust what you have practiced, including the assumption that your capacity will be insufficient without the engagement of your full heart and most authentic intentions.
- either move completely or do not - waffling is for breakfast (and requires maple syrup). Life and death require all of you. When you are ready and your waiting is through the correct choice will be directly in front of your center where you may bring your power to bear with most effect.
Where do I stand with: Sensei, myself, family, friends and acquaintances, clients, the dojo, the CAA and its Division One (Iwama stylists), Hombu Dojo (aka The Aikikai)?
Preparing and presenting the demo was a great pleasure. Beyond all the speculation about the value of working for rank and testing, I love to rehearse and perform and, like grabbing any excuse to throw a party, eagerly look forward to any chance to get special training around tests, demos and the like. Rank matters because we agree as a group to use a ranked system, it affects my income (higher rank = the expectation of charging more for professional work), it can be used well to create an ordered environment which aids training, and because, inevitably, when it is used poorly it gives crucial opportunities to make clear that true martial art forms are profoundly internal and intangible as well, especially in a world that includes interpersonal conflict on a daily basis but relatively little (in most upper-middle and upper class lives) regular physical confrontation.
As far as I'm concerned my promotion happened on May 31st. Sensei loudly encouraged me to repeat this to you in print.
My teacher, following the traditions of our art, the by-laws or our organization, and the proclamation of our Division Head on the day of the demonstration, recommended me for promotion and was publicly more than satisfied with what she saw on Wednesday at our dojo, on Saturday at Sunset Cliff's, and on reviewing the video of both. Good grief, what more could I want? The rest can circle the drain a few more times before dropping, if that will serve someone's purpose somewhere. When anyone asks, I say "Sensei promoted me in May, our division will probably recognize the promotion sometime in the next year, and then paperwork and money will probably wing their way Nipponwards sometime thereafter."
It might be interesting and revealing to conflict meaningfully with various brokers of power over this but, for now, I'm pretty freakin' tired of randori and, as long as it doesn't interfere with falling down in the dojo, why spend the energy in reaction that could be reserved for response? If this begins to leak out of its current container and directly impact (beyond sympathetic reaction) other folks than just Sensei and me, then I will have to re-evaluate and begin choosing targets. That would not be acceptable. It is part of our job descriptions as martial artists to make each other, our teachers, colleagues, students, and community a bit usefully uncomfortable and we and they are responsible for living up to that and what follows.
What needs doing?
Training! Paul Lord happened to be in Dallas last night, so he and Lisa and I headed for North Texas Aikido (Russ Alvey, Sensei) for some time on the mat. Lisa and I both began our Aikido paths there and, even though the dojo has relocated, it still feels like home. They don't zoom like Sensei does (and consequently we do) but their clarity and heart continue to shine ever more brightly. Nothing motivates like a good ole' Texas sankyo or nikyo. :) And the beer, stories, and humor while sitting around on the mat after class never fail to raise my cosmic gratitude level. I HIGHLY recommend that you bring a friend or five to the dojo and grow our practice. More bodies to toss means better understanding of variations in your body and more proverbial arrows for your martial quiver. The possibilities make me. Quiver, I mean.
Beyond that I think it would probably be wise to see how the Div 1 dojocho respond to Sensei's letter and then
- should they ignore a colleague bringing a justice issue to their attention, perhaps the greater CAA organization will not be insensitive to the implications of such a power move.
- I'd be happy to submit my paperwork, fees, and essay as always follows a recommendation for promotion, for transmission to Japan, no matter what they decide.
- when they chose to support an outcome that is not hostile to Sensei's integrity and right to promote they should be appreciated (but probably not congratulated too loudly) for their capacity and willingness to work with the levels of Aikido that are most difficult to learn and even more to practice, no matter your published rank.
Again, feeling gratitude for you and for everyone from around the country who has been so clear and forthcoming,
Brandon WilliamsCraig, yondan
Labels: AiBerk, Aikido, CAA, conflict
| posted by Brandon @ 6/14/2007 05:15:00 PM
On May 30, 2007 I wrote:
About being unpromoted from Yondan in San Diego.
The following arrived, parallel to phone calls along similar lines, by email...
Some but not all names have been removed, just because.
hard to know what else i could usefully add in written words since they are not my forte. i look foreword to the time we can speak and listen and i can share my feelings thoughts and ideas. and my experiences at ukiah aikido which i think a relevant here.
loving you
hugging you
missing you
You know what I believe Brandon? It was not the time for you to be able to perform at your best. I can only look at the mental disruption I suffered for years after Brooks left. My concentration and interest in anything but reconstructing my whole life was almost zero. I know everyone has their own way of healing and you have your way. I fully believe that your heart and mind would not allow you to proceed forward in Aikido at this time. There is so much to reconstruct in your belief system and your perspective on life, in general, that no matter how hard you attempted to deflect it with other thoughts and focuses, your heart would not be drawn away from the work that has to be done.
I felt a very clear feeling the first time I saw you at the Dojo that you were a very elevated and spiritual person. It was so clear to me that I asked Kayla who you were and told her what I saw in you. She confirmed my perception. In a way, the fact that you are so evolved spiritually may make your healing different than most and maybe longer . If you are anything like I am, and was, at the beginning of my healing, some very fundamental ideals and expectations were blown to smithereens. It's the faith and belief that all things happen for a good reason that has carried me through. It is a blind and bold faith that has to ignore long ponderings and questions about everything. Eventually I believe you and I will both understand the big question.....Why. Since there is really no time in the universe, who knows when that will happen.
In my case, when I realized after years that I didn't have to know the truth about my son's departure....the why....because the trees, sky, wind, plants, wild animals all know....God knows.......the truth is very well known......when I need to know I will know. The same is true for you and your wife. You will know and understand when it's appropriate... no sooner, no later. I believe that just as this loss is the worst trajedy a parent can endure, it's also the supreme gift of all. The day Brooks died I had feelings that ranged from complete and utter implosion to a feeling of absolute honor and awe. I was so sad that I couldn't be there with him at this poignant time in his life, but I knew he was a very strong man who preferred it that way. I wouldn't be able to tell him how much I loved him or goodbye. That's a seering pain that is still healing.
Aidan's photo is on Brook's photo in my home. I think of him every day and have asked Brooks to be there for Aidan. I believe he is.
In reality, the way things went last weekend with your test is very insignificant in the grand scheme of things. When you have healed sufficiently, you will move forward. Keep going Brandon. "Never, never, never give up". Continuing to live, grow, understand and accept is the lesson. It's easy to do when you aren't dealing with a loss like this. Now is your real test, not last weekend. You are a tremendous example for your son and anyone who knows you. We need you here. Grieve, love, and thrive. Love,
I am sure you are all still overwhelmed by the crazy blow of what happened down in San Diego with Brandon's demo. My jaw certainly hit the floor! So I wanted to put out there, for the record, how I felt hearing about it. (and Brandon, don't get all shy; I'm going to say nice things here ;)
I have to say that I think Brandon's response to this phenomenally unfair turn of events was so courageous, so full of class and grace, and so exemplifying of the highest ideals of aikido that I think he should be promoted TWO levels, not just the one. And I'm not being facetious. This was a life-size randori of extraordinary proportions (to say nothing of the chaos practice of life in general!) and he handled the assault of it with such openheartedness and wholly undeserved generosity of spirit. To get back on the mat and engage with such grace and presence; it was a rare and truly admirable thing.
And furthermore, as I understand it, these are the essential issues one looks for in evaluating depth of understanding at this level of aikido, not the technicalities of how you step or how you hold your arm that the panel seems to have gotten so worked up over.
I also want to put out there how very much I appreciate his contribution to the dojo. Not only do I appreciate the patience, clarity, sensitiveness and nuance of his teaching and training, but I really find it transformative just to be on the mat with him. The quality of presence and mindfulness that he works hard to bring has been really healing for me personally in terms of training through not only the moves of aikido itself, but the deeper emotional and interpersonal issues that the training stands upon.
And, the qualities that the board seems to have so disparaged - the quality of flow, of lively movement, of eagerness to embrace insight from many sources rather than hewing to a strict dogma - which, Sensei, you really embody and encourage - these are the very qualities that have kept me at the dojo and so glad to be here. It took me ten years to find a dojo like this one!
So, please let me know what I can do to support you guys in this process. Letters, petitions, sit-ins, throwing of tomatoes, march on Washington - you know.... Just say the word.
yours truly,
Hello. It has been such a long while since I have logged in to see how you all are doing. As always, after catching up on the entries, life continues to be life....we are not exempt, my dear friend. You told me last Summer, "We never know what the day could bring...it can be amazing or dreadful, we must always be prepared for both." Your words walk with me daily. The challenges, up hill climbs, endless tears, exhaustion, then light heartedness, laughter, joy, and gratitude seem to be the way as one gets older and lives through more...trying to feel the feelings in order to walk through them often seems harder than just not feeling...however, occasionally, I try not to feel through the feelings and that doesn't seem to work out so well
Know that I am with you in spirit...walking the walk too, my friend.
Love and Miss You.
I have been thinking long and hard about the Gasshuku. I was finally able to get rid of my anger and disappointment when I realized that, in a very definite and absolute sense, I don't care what the 9 or 10 people on the review board think. I started practicing Aikido for ME. I still practice
for me. As I see it improve my character, and my overall worth as a parent, husband, and friend, that's all great, but I'm doing it for me. I appreciate the careful guidance and approval of Kayla Sensei and yourself, but they are bonuses, not requirements. As for the CAA, Hombu, or the specific personages of Pat, Bernice, Stephanie, etc....nope, I honestly can't find one iota of concern for what they think. If this has social or political consequences, meh. I have more than enough social and political drama in my life for any five people.
I am fully aware that I have a degree of separation and newbie-ness that makes these statements and realizations easier for me to make than they would be for you. But all the same I hope you reach some equivalent sort of satisfaction.
Because your demo was The F**king Bomb, Lower Magellenic Cloud Grade.
Despite everything, I had a great time hanging out at the Gasshuku, and truly appreciated the opportunity to spend time with everyone from the dojo, and to get to know you and Lisa a little better. I still think your response and approach to Sunday was powerful and compassionate, and worthy of as much respect as I can muster.
Dear community,
I just had the opportunity to watch the DVD of Brandon's yondan demonstration, which I was seeing for the first time (not having been to San Diego) and without the benefit of having seen his Wednesday night demo at our dojo, to which it has been compared.
The first thing I want to say is that within minutes I knew that I was watching and excellent demonstration, and any lingering shade of doubt I might have had about his performance were completely alleviated.
On Friday night, I had the chance to chat with Sensei and a few others about the experience, again without having been a participant, and mentioned a few thoughts that I would now share with you. I think this whole event is complex, obviously, and in sorting it out have divided the issues into two categories: those pertaining to the actual demonstration; and those pertaining to the larger organizational-systemic implications of the decision, and the process by which it was made. It is the former which I would address here.
I divided the issues pertaining to the demonstration into three subcategories: overall performance; clarity of execution of techniques; and style.
I have already spoken to first, in saying that my immediate impression was that this was an excellent yondan demonstration. That perception sustained throughout. If would have been proud to have done this demonstration.
It is possible, however, that one could have a very good demo, and still there could be specific issue taken with the execution of the techniques. One could, for example, have an overall level of integrated movement, flow, connectedness, timing, etc., but still show a muddiness in the specificity of technical detail. My perception of Brandon's demonstration was that this was not the case. Virtually everything I saw on the DVD looked quite clear to me. As I understand it, however, this was one of the criticisms that was offered to justify the board's denial of his rank. How to reconcile this discrepancy?
I am led to think that this can only be explained in the context of stylistic preference. If one has made the cognitive commitment to a particular style being the only right way to do something, then other stylistic variations will appear to be wrong, by definition – or "unclear", at best. One can certainly see that Brandon's demonstration did not rigidly here to the Iwama style, though it just as obviously included elements of it. From my perspective, he was able to effectively integrate elements from multiple styles without compromising the clarity of his movement. This is something I would look for, and see as a sign of mastery, at the yondan level.
It is my opinion that the exclusive commitment to a singular style is an unfortunate choice. It is certainly useful to practice within a particular approach for a period of time, until one gains a mastery of basics, in order to build a foundation. From my perspective, though, the idea of style is inherently problematic. Any of us who have seen O'Sensei films know that there is no one who has achieve his level. At best, direct students were able to grab an element or a principle that was within their reach, which they subsequently developed over years and years. Their students, imitating them, codified the principles into systems. This is all well and good, in that it facilitates learning – until the systems become dogmas. "Dogmas" means "right" and "wrong". It is a problem. What formerly enabled learning now prevents it. Too bad!
So, it seems to me that what happened here is that due to the blinders of dogma, clarity of execution got confused with style, leading to an inaccurate assessment of overall performance. It is truly unfortunate, not just for Brandon, but for all of us because the message is "Don't learn – just conform."
About the larger organizational-systemic issues, for now, all I'll say is this. I have heard several people comment on the implications of a demonstration being treated as a test. I find it quite ironic that Pat announced that it was understood that people who gave demonstrations were recommended by their Sensei's and had already achieved their ranks....
Firstly, I think it's a great idea to pass to Brandon's judges the letters and concerns of our
aikido community with respect to the 'muddy' decision they made about Brandon's yon dan demo (which wasn't a test). And I would be happy to proof read all the letters as I am sure many people wrote with their hearts and not their grammar rules in mind.
Secondly, I was reading in 'The Spirit of Aikido' recently by Kisshomaru Ueshiba and he mentioned 'take-musu', which literally means 'martial-creative'. The Founder himself spoke about this on one of my old video tapes. He said that the aim of aikido (to paraphrase) is to be able to be in a situation and respond with no preconcieved notions or ideas or techniques, but merely to respond with just what is needed in that moment.
It says alot about the judges that at the yon dan level they are still looking for basic postures and
not yet ready to nurture this creative living aspect of aikido.
For someone as effective as an aikidoka and as an instructor as Brandon has shown all of us over and over, there should be nothing but support for him to continue his practice in harmony and beauty. I am disappointed in the inner level of the judges if they are choosing to limit creativity and are adhereing to (one form of aikido) dogma.
Aikido is more than techniques, it is a way of Being and this is a really big thing and not nearly so easy to pursue or teach as mere forms. OSensei was a master of himself, not just a master of the forms. Saito Sensei himself did not grok all that O Sensei was trying to pass on. Saito Sensei helped consolidate a mass of techniques and forms, for which we are all very grateful, but he recognized that he did not 'get' the inner teachings of OSensei. I have heard it said that OSensei himself thought no one was getting this aspect, that everyone was mastering a martial art but
not getting the inner stuff about energy, kami spirits, kan (intuition), etc..this stuff that animated Ueshiba himself.
This is the way it is with all the great teachers of the world. Their teachings become divided among all those who studied with them. What was complex becomes reduced to forms and then these forms 'must be adhered to' to the exclusion of......take-musu! Therefore, what Saito gives us is a great thing but is only a part of a whole. In otherwords, there are many forms of aikido, not just Hombu style. And none are 'more legitimate' than the others.
I have the greatest of respect for the judges of Brandon and I feel sure that in their hearts they only want to be sure that the form of aikido is passed on in a 'pure' fashion as they understand it. That is their right.
However, at this point they have revealed their own limitations and I support you, Kayla Sensei, to consider relationships with other branches of the great Aikido tree. There is room on the planet to explore all the aspects OSensei passed on. Ultimately, as i understand what he said, it's about being able to master 'no-technique'...take-musu...in the moment responding. If Hombu isn't ready to pursue that even at yon don level, then we should forge our own path
The waves of life don't necessarily arise from logic; they just are. In Tsunami season, the wave draws back, back, back - scouring the sand of it's identity. But that's not the end; you know what happens next...
We want you to know that we are thinking of you and your (further) trials. How rotten (in the original sense, as well) could it be? We are so sorry that you were the locus of such a manifestation. All our best to you and Lisa.
a stray thought, the two line response to the whole "authoritarian standard vs. creative improvisation" element of the Gasshuku weekend is: What part of 'Aikido of *BERKELEY*' did they not understand? The government of the People's Republic has been pumping
non-conformity serum into the water supply for going on 40 years now.
I could not agree more with your conclusions. As one that does not see rank as having any meaning i still feel that at Brandon's level of practice and dedication (which is really all that these higher rank tests usually reflect) should deserve recognition and passage, and from what i have heard his demonstration was more interesting than any of the others. It is disrespectful to what is going on at our Dojo and the integration of styles which we enjoy. Aikido has nothing to do with rigidity and when demonstrated, such as done by the board, should remind us to always trust our own feelings and choices. Rank or no "rank" Branden is still a great Aikidoka and great teacher and that is all that really matters to me. I hope he does not waist any time and energy worrying about the boards decision.
more coming...
About being unpromoted from Yondan in San Diego.
The following arrived, parallel to phone calls along similar lines, by email...
Some but not all names have been removed, just because.
hard to know what else i could usefully add in written words since they are not my forte. i look foreword to the time we can speak and listen and i can share my feelings thoughts and ideas. and my experiences at ukiah aikido which i think a relevant here.
loving you
hugging you
missing you
Oy, busy you are. And sorry to hear about the "politics" (for lack of a better word) regarding your demo and test. Stressful enough as it is, without having to appeal a negative decision based on long-standing issues that's perhaps beyond your control. |
"Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low." |
Not so random musings, ascribed to O'Sensei: |
Brandon, you are undoubtedly acquainted with the song that goes "I can't give you anything but love." When a friend is in distress, I think to say "I can't give you anything but a spacious listening ear (in case that is helpful)." So, if you think it may be helpful (maybe even on the phone), by all means give me a buzz, any time. And if you think it won't be helpful, that is also OK with me, and I hereby wish you the best of luck, despite everything.
With loveYou know what I believe Brandon? It was not the time for you to be able to perform at your best. I can only look at the mental disruption I suffered for years after Brooks left. My concentration and interest in anything but reconstructing my whole life was almost zero. I know everyone has their own way of healing and you have your way. I fully believe that your heart and mind would not allow you to proceed forward in Aikido at this time. There is so much to reconstruct in your belief system and your perspective on life, in general, that no matter how hard you attempted to deflect it with other thoughts and focuses, your heart would not be drawn away from the work that has to be done.
I felt a very clear feeling the first time I saw you at the Dojo that you were a very elevated and spiritual person. It was so clear to me that I asked Kayla who you were and told her what I saw in you. She confirmed my perception. In a way, the fact that you are so evolved spiritually may make your healing different than most and maybe longer . If you are anything like I am, and was, at the beginning of my healing, some very fundamental ideals and expectations were blown to smithereens. It's the faith and belief that all things happen for a good reason that has carried me through. It is a blind and bold faith that has to ignore long ponderings and questions about everything. Eventually I believe you and I will both understand the big question.....Why. Since there is really no time in the universe, who knows when that will happen.
In my case, when I realized after years that I didn't have to know the truth about my son's departure....the why....because the trees, sky, wind, plants, wild animals all know....God knows.......the truth is very well known......when I need to know I will know. The same is true for you and your wife. You will know and understand when it's appropriate... no sooner, no later. I believe that just as this loss is the worst trajedy a parent can endure, it's also the supreme gift of all. The day Brooks died I had feelings that ranged from complete and utter implosion to a feeling of absolute honor and awe. I was so sad that I couldn't be there with him at this poignant time in his life, but I knew he was a very strong man who preferred it that way. I wouldn't be able to tell him how much I loved him or goodbye. That's a seering pain that is still healing.
Aidan's photo is on Brook's photo in my home. I think of him every day and have asked Brooks to be there for Aidan. I believe he is.
In reality, the way things went last weekend with your test is very insignificant in the grand scheme of things. When you have healed sufficiently, you will move forward. Keep going Brandon. "Never, never, never give up". Continuing to live, grow, understand and accept is the lesson. It's easy to do when you aren't dealing with a loss like this. Now is your real test, not last weekend. You are a tremendous example for your son and anyone who knows you. We need you here. Grieve, love, and thrive. Love,
My dear Brandon;
Glad to capture the two Yondon demos on video in San Diego. After your stunning demo, the next guy's looked like a first Ku test. Anyone is welcome to view the demos on DVD and decide for themselves.
I also recorded the head Sensei stating that you had both been granted the yondon rank prior to the demos.
This was a set-up and you got caught in Iwama-style politics. These wrist-twist folk are not the living, loving Aikido I signed up for in Shingu at the World Aikido Dojo of Hikitsuchi Sensei (10th Dan) where I have been a member since 1988.
I will be delighted to receive instruction from you upon your return to the loving space of
Aikido of Berkeley Dojo, where honor is given to O Sensei's statement: "May the fearful wrath of my opponent be turned into harmless laughter."
And so may you, my dear Sempai, continue to teach a loving, laughing Aikido to a world so obviously in need of transcending our constriction.
Hi Sensei -I am sure you are all still overwhelmed by the crazy blow of what happened down in San Diego with Brandon's demo. My jaw certainly hit the floor! So I wanted to put out there, for the record, how I felt hearing about it. (and Brandon, don't get all shy; I'm going to say nice things here ;)
I have to say that I think Brandon's response to this phenomenally unfair turn of events was so courageous, so full of class and grace, and so exemplifying of the highest ideals of aikido that I think he should be promoted TWO levels, not just the one. And I'm not being facetious. This was a life-size randori of extraordinary proportions (to say nothing of the chaos practice of life in general!) and he handled the assault of it with such openheartedness and wholly undeserved generosity of spirit. To get back on the mat and engage with such grace and presence; it was a rare and truly admirable thing.
And furthermore, as I understand it, these are the essential issues one looks for in evaluating depth of understanding at this level of aikido, not the technicalities of how you step or how you hold your arm that the panel seems to have gotten so worked up over.
I also want to put out there how very much I appreciate his contribution to the dojo. Not only do I appreciate the patience, clarity, sensitiveness and nuance of his teaching and training, but I really find it transformative just to be on the mat with him. The quality of presence and mindfulness that he works hard to bring has been really healing for me personally in terms of training through not only the moves of aikido itself, but the deeper emotional and interpersonal issues that the training stands upon.
And, the qualities that the board seems to have so disparaged - the quality of flow, of lively movement, of eagerness to embrace insight from many sources rather than hewing to a strict dogma - which, Sensei, you really embody and encourage - these are the very qualities that have kept me at the dojo and so glad to be here. It took me ten years to find a dojo like this one!
So, please let me know what I can do to support you guys in this process. Letters, petitions, sit-ins, throwing of tomatoes, march on Washington - you know.... Just say the word.
yours truly,
Hello. It has been such a long while since I have logged in to see how you all are doing. As always, after catching up on the entries, life continues to be life....we are not exempt, my dear friend. You told me last Summer, "We never know what the day could bring...it can be amazing or dreadful, we must always be prepared for both." Your words walk with me daily. The challenges, up hill climbs, endless tears, exhaustion, then light heartedness, laughter, joy, and gratitude seem to be the way as one gets older and lives through more...trying to feel the feelings in order to walk through them often seems harder than just not feeling...however, occasionally, I try not to feel through the feelings and that doesn't seem to work out so well
Know that I am with you in spirit...walking the walk too, my friend.Love and Miss You.
I have been thinking long and hard about the Gasshuku. I was finally able to get rid of my anger and disappointment when I realized that, in a very definite and absolute sense, I don't care what the 9 or 10 people on the review board think. I started practicing Aikido for ME. I still practice
for me. As I see it improve my character, and my overall worth as a parent, husband, and friend, that's all great, but I'm doing it for me. I appreciate the careful guidance and approval of Kayla Sensei and yourself, but they are bonuses, not requirements. As for the CAA, Hombu, or the specific personages of Pat, Bernice, Stephanie, etc....nope, I honestly can't find one iota of concern for what they think. If this has social or political consequences, meh. I have more than enough social and political drama in my life for any five people.
I am fully aware that I have a degree of separation and newbie-ness that makes these statements and realizations easier for me to make than they would be for you. But all the same I hope you reach some equivalent sort of satisfaction.
Because your demo was The F**king Bomb, Lower Magellenic Cloud Grade.
Despite everything, I had a great time hanging out at the Gasshuku, and truly appreciated the opportunity to spend time with everyone from the dojo, and to get to know you and Lisa a little better. I still think your response and approach to Sunday was powerful and compassionate, and worthy of as much respect as I can muster.
Dear Brandon,
I usually don't get involved in these discussions, but all I can say is Ahhh- politics.
I still love Aikido and miss training and am trying to figure out how to fit it in.
Hope you continue to train and enjoy Aikido with detachment.
Your friend,
Dear community,
I just had the opportunity to watch the DVD of Brandon's yondan demonstration, which I was seeing for the first time (not having been to San Diego) and without the benefit of having seen his Wednesday night demo at our dojo, to which it has been compared.
The first thing I want to say is that within minutes I knew that I was watching and excellent demonstration, and any lingering shade of doubt I might have had about his performance were completely alleviated.
On Friday night, I had the chance to chat with Sensei and a few others about the experience, again without having been a participant, and mentioned a few thoughts that I would now share with you. I think this whole event is complex, obviously, and in sorting it out have divided the issues into two categories: those pertaining to the actual demonstration; and those pertaining to the larger organizational-systemic implications of the decision, and the process by which it was made. It is the former which I would address here.
I divided the issues pertaining to the demonstration into three subcategories: overall performance; clarity of execution of techniques; and style.
I have already spoken to first, in saying that my immediate impression was that this was an excellent yondan demonstration. That perception sustained throughout. If would have been proud to have done this demonstration.
It is possible, however, that one could have a very good demo, and still there could be specific issue taken with the execution of the techniques. One could, for example, have an overall level of integrated movement, flow, connectedness, timing, etc., but still show a muddiness in the specificity of technical detail. My perception of Brandon's demonstration was that this was not the case. Virtually everything I saw on the DVD looked quite clear to me. As I understand it, however, this was one of the criticisms that was offered to justify the board's denial of his rank. How to reconcile this discrepancy?
I am led to think that this can only be explained in the context of stylistic preference. If one has made the cognitive commitment to a particular style being the only right way to do something, then other stylistic variations will appear to be wrong, by definition – or "unclear", at best. One can certainly see that Brandon's demonstration did not rigidly here to the Iwama style, though it just as obviously included elements of it. From my perspective, he was able to effectively integrate elements from multiple styles without compromising the clarity of his movement. This is something I would look for, and see as a sign of mastery, at the yondan level.
It is my opinion that the exclusive commitment to a singular style is an unfortunate choice. It is certainly useful to practice within a particular approach for a period of time, until one gains a mastery of basics, in order to build a foundation. From my perspective, though, the idea of style is inherently problematic. Any of us who have seen O'Sensei films know that there is no one who has achieve his level. At best, direct students were able to grab an element or a principle that was within their reach, which they subsequently developed over years and years. Their students, imitating them, codified the principles into systems. This is all well and good, in that it facilitates learning – until the systems become dogmas. "Dogmas" means "right" and "wrong". It is a problem. What formerly enabled learning now prevents it. Too bad!
So, it seems to me that what happened here is that due to the blinders of dogma, clarity of execution got confused with style, leading to an inaccurate assessment of overall performance. It is truly unfortunate, not just for Brandon, but for all of us because the message is "Don't learn – just conform."
About the larger organizational-systemic issues, for now, all I'll say is this. I have heard several people comment on the implications of a demonstration being treated as a test. I find it quite ironic that Pat announced that it was understood that people who gave demonstrations were recommended by their Sensei's and had already achieved their ranks....
Firstly, I think it's a great idea to pass to Brandon's judges the letters and concerns of our
aikido community with respect to the 'muddy' decision they made about Brandon's yon dan demo (which wasn't a test). And I would be happy to proof read all the letters as I am sure many people wrote with their hearts and not their grammar rules in mind.
Secondly, I was reading in 'The Spirit of Aikido' recently by Kisshomaru Ueshiba and he mentioned 'take-musu', which literally means 'martial-creative'. The Founder himself spoke about this on one of my old video tapes. He said that the aim of aikido (to paraphrase) is to be able to be in a situation and respond with no preconcieved notions or ideas or techniques, but merely to respond with just what is needed in that moment.
It says alot about the judges that at the yon dan level they are still looking for basic postures and
not yet ready to nurture this creative living aspect of aikido.
For someone as effective as an aikidoka and as an instructor as Brandon has shown all of us over and over, there should be nothing but support for him to continue his practice in harmony and beauty. I am disappointed in the inner level of the judges if they are choosing to limit creativity and are adhereing to (one form of aikido) dogma.
Aikido is more than techniques, it is a way of Being and this is a really big thing and not nearly so easy to pursue or teach as mere forms. OSensei was a master of himself, not just a master of the forms. Saito Sensei himself did not grok all that O Sensei was trying to pass on. Saito Sensei helped consolidate a mass of techniques and forms, for which we are all very grateful, but he recognized that he did not 'get' the inner teachings of OSensei. I have heard it said that OSensei himself thought no one was getting this aspect, that everyone was mastering a martial art but
not getting the inner stuff about energy, kami spirits, kan (intuition), etc..this stuff that animated Ueshiba himself.
This is the way it is with all the great teachers of the world. Their teachings become divided among all those who studied with them. What was complex becomes reduced to forms and then these forms 'must be adhered to' to the exclusion of......take-musu! Therefore, what Saito gives us is a great thing but is only a part of a whole. In otherwords, there are many forms of aikido, not just Hombu style. And none are 'more legitimate' than the others.
I have the greatest of respect for the judges of Brandon and I feel sure that in their hearts they only want to be sure that the form of aikido is passed on in a 'pure' fashion as they understand it. That is their right.
However, at this point they have revealed their own limitations and I support you, Kayla Sensei, to consider relationships with other branches of the great Aikido tree. There is room on the planet to explore all the aspects OSensei passed on. Ultimately, as i understand what he said, it's about being able to master 'no-technique'...take-musu...in the moment responding. If Hombu isn't ready to pursue that even at yon don level, then we should forge our own path
and relationships to discover the greater depths of OSensei's great teaching of peace, unity and harmony on the planet.
I remember about 30 years ago I was coming home from a trip to Hawaii. I was at the Hawaiian customs in the airport and they were looking through my bokken bag at a small tree, more of a stick really, I had pulled out of the ground...a beautiful piece of dead hardwood...by the way, they don't like people removing stuff from the Islands...then he saw my bokken in the bag and asked what it was. I told him I trained in aikido. Without hestiation, he closed my bag and waved
me on. This showed me the great unity of spirit that prevades (or can prevade) the aikido community around the world.
I am way looking forward to training again with Brandon san and I have little doubt that even though they 'took away' his yon dan, that this whole experience has brought much light to something that needs to be examined and that he and we will only grow from this experience.
With respect,
I remember about 30 years ago I was coming home from a trip to Hawaii. I was at the Hawaiian customs in the airport and they were looking through my bokken bag at a small tree, more of a stick really, I had pulled out of the ground...a beautiful piece of dead hardwood...by the way, they don't like people removing stuff from the Islands...then he saw my bokken in the bag and asked what it was. I told him I trained in aikido. Without hestiation, he closed my bag and waved
me on. This showed me the great unity of spirit that prevades (or can prevade) the aikido community around the world.
I am way looking forward to training again with Brandon san and I have little doubt that even though they 'took away' his yon dan, that this whole experience has brought much light to something that needs to be examined and that he and we will only grow from this experience.
With respect,
The waves of life don't necessarily arise from logic; they just are. In Tsunami season, the wave draws back, back, back - scouring the sand of it's identity. But that's not the end; you know what happens next...
We want you to know that we are thinking of you and your (further) trials. How rotten (in the original sense, as well) could it be? We are so sorry that you were the locus of such a manifestation. All our best to you and Lisa.
a stray thought, the two line response to the whole "authoritarian standard vs. creative improvisation" element of the Gasshuku weekend is: What part of 'Aikido of *BERKELEY*' did they not understand? The government of the People's Republic has been pumpingnon-conformity serum into the water supply for going on 40 years now.
Hello my fellow aikidoka,
I write this email for two reasons. First, to ask a few (possibly rhetorical) questions about certain
aspects of aikido, given the CAA Division 1 Board’s decision not to grant 4th Dan to Brandon Sempai after his demonstration. Second, to express my support and appreciation for Kayla Sensei and Brandon Sempai for all the work they do as instructors and as examples of dedication, kindheartedness and generosity of spirit in the greater aikido community. I also want to recognize Lisa's support of Brandon in his dedication to the practice of aikido and to Kayla Sensei's dojo.
Before I get into the heart of this email, I'd first like to disclose (for those who don't know me) the perspectives that inform my thought process. My husband and the father of our now 6-month-old daughter is Nick Walker Sensei, dojo cho of Aikido Shusekai - an independent dojo. (He has been friends with Brandon longer than I've practiced Aikido, and will be posting his thoughts on the matter in his own response to this listserv.) I have chosen to practice Aikido
because I feel it is consistent with my path in this lifetime: to me, it is yet another tool with which I can transform my own suffering and polish my spirit and soul. (And the reason I do not practice at Nick’s dojo is because I do not accept instructions well from him. When I asked him for a referral at the point that I stopped practicing in his dojo, he highly recommended Kayla Sensei.)
So:
While I did not attend the San Diego demonstration, I did attend the Berkeley demonstration on the Wednesday night prior. Brandon’s aikido Wednesday appeared highly effective, deeply graceful, clean, sharp, and all of his ukes walked away from the demo unharmed and smiling, like they had a great time. So it was with great shock and dismay that I first heard the news that the board of CAA Division 1 decided not to grant 4th Dan to Brandon Sempai.
On its face, the decision appeared arbitrary and senseless, because I’ve seen both Brandon’s execution of techniques and the effect of his aikido both on and off the mat for several years now. In an attempt to try and imagine the rationale for such a decision, I used irimi/tenkan on the non-physical plane. Perhaps Brandon had not ‘performed’ as well as he had Wednesday night? (Brandon’s aikido on a not-so-good day is still pretty darn good...hmm.) Perhaps the
Board was looking for something specific that Brandon just was completely unable to execute? Had he hurt someone? What could it have been? Since I am not a Sensei, nor am I a member of the Board, I initially found this a fruitless exercise.
Well, not completely fruitless... my attempt at irimi/tenkan eventually led me to questions about
standards. In posing the following questions, it is not my intent to provoke ill will; rather, here is
where I incorporate a Buddhist perspective. Can I approach with curiosity and equanimity anything that arises in my practice, even when there's a 'charge' or strong feeling on said topic or subject? Perhaps the following questions could be considered food for thought or for conversation later among our dojo members:
It is my sincere hope that the Board’s decision was not a retaliation toward either Kayla Sensei or Brandon Sempai for leaning toward the experimental in the evolution of their respective practices. I would be deeply disappointed if the Board’s decision occurred as a result of Brandon’s aikido not fitting someone else’s traditional ‘filters’ of what is/isn’t ‘their’ aikido.
My view of aikido is similar to that of my view as a mental health professional: there is no one
(therapeutic) style or technique that fits all ‘problems’; some styles or techniques are more or less effective than others depending with whom I work, and it’s worth experimenting to find out and evolve as a practitioner. I would hate to see negative ramifications for anyone experimenting with their aikido; it is part of what makes the art come alive for me, and what inspires me to want to practice at this dojo (and visit Nick’s dojo). I have enjoyed practicing with Kayla Sensei for as long as I've been a member of her dojo, very much due to her openness on and off the mat.
As I'm working full-time, breastfeeding full-time, and sharing caregiving duties of a 6 month old with Nick, I am much more selective in the uses of my time if it’s not related to sleep or food. I plan to return to practice at Aikido of Berkeley, and am looking forward to visiting other dojos when such occasions arise. However, as an adult with the freedom to choose how I spend my time and resources, I do not plan to attend CAA Division 1 events, because at this point I’m just not inspired to do so.
While it may demonstrate some hubris on my part to say this, I hold the perspective that Brandon Sempai is a 4th dan in our dojo, regardless of what the CAA Division 1 Board says. I base this on having practiced since 2003 in the dojo, and borne witness to the effect of Brandon’s aikido both on and off the mat. Aside from the solidity of Brandon's practice of Aikido techniques, the content of Brandon’s character – his demonstration of honor, integrity, respect for others, self-discipline, dedication, and role-modeling – has been consistent and reliable both on and off the mat. I also hold the perspective that there is no rank – military, martial arts, or otherwise – that adequately or accurately reflects the degree to which any human being endures great sorrow, pain, or disrespect, yet does not project their suffering onto other beings. So to me, Brandon is both 4th Dan and simultaneously needs no rank recognition.
Last, but certainly not least: What is most notable about the events during the CAA weekend is that despite not having been granted a higher rank just after his demonstration (I feel that both Kayla Sensei and Brandon Sempai were greatly disrespected by the members of the Board in this matter) – it appeared from Brandon’s online journal entry that he 1) didn’t walk out in a huff, 2) still chose to practice on the mat anyway, and 3) did so without a sense of retaliation or vengeance and WITH a high level of honor and integrity – in keeping with the one of the major intents of aikido. (Personally, I think Brandon should’ve gotten the 4th Dan for that alone.) It is
my understanding that Kayla Sensei and other members of our dojo who were present chose to respond to such shocking and disheartening news in the same manner.
Now THAT’s the kind of aikido I want to practice, and it’s also the kind of aikido I want my child to witness as she grows.
See you on the mat Tuesday (tomorrow) night. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, Nick Walker Sensei, our 6 month old daughter, and I will be there.
Much love to all,
Leslie
I write this email for two reasons. First, to ask a few (possibly rhetorical) questions about certain
aspects of aikido, given the CAA Division 1 Board’s decision not to grant 4th Dan to Brandon Sempai after his demonstration. Second, to express my support and appreciation for Kayla Sensei and Brandon Sempai for all the work they do as instructors and as examples of dedication, kindheartedness and generosity of spirit in the greater aikido community. I also want to recognize Lisa's support of Brandon in his dedication to the practice of aikido and to Kayla Sensei's dojo.
Before I get into the heart of this email, I'd first like to disclose (for those who don't know me) the perspectives that inform my thought process. My husband and the father of our now 6-month-old daughter is Nick Walker Sensei, dojo cho of Aikido Shusekai - an independent dojo. (He has been friends with Brandon longer than I've practiced Aikido, and will be posting his thoughts on the matter in his own response to this listserv.) I have chosen to practice Aikido
because I feel it is consistent with my path in this lifetime: to me, it is yet another tool with which I can transform my own suffering and polish my spirit and soul. (And the reason I do not practice at Nick’s dojo is because I do not accept instructions well from him. When I asked him for a referral at the point that I stopped practicing in his dojo, he highly recommended Kayla Sensei.)
So:
While I did not attend the San Diego demonstration, I did attend the Berkeley demonstration on the Wednesday night prior. Brandon’s aikido Wednesday appeared highly effective, deeply graceful, clean, sharp, and all of his ukes walked away from the demo unharmed and smiling, like they had a great time. So it was with great shock and dismay that I first heard the news that the board of CAA Division 1 decided not to grant 4th Dan to Brandon Sempai.
On its face, the decision appeared arbitrary and senseless, because I’ve seen both Brandon’s execution of techniques and the effect of his aikido both on and off the mat for several years now. In an attempt to try and imagine the rationale for such a decision, I used irimi/tenkan on the non-physical plane. Perhaps Brandon had not ‘performed’ as well as he had Wednesday night? (Brandon’s aikido on a not-so-good day is still pretty darn good...hmm.) Perhaps the
Board was looking for something specific that Brandon just was completely unable to execute? Had he hurt someone? What could it have been? Since I am not a Sensei, nor am I a member of the Board, I initially found this a fruitless exercise.
Well, not completely fruitless... my attempt at irimi/tenkan eventually led me to questions about
standards. In posing the following questions, it is not my intent to provoke ill will; rather, here is
where I incorporate a Buddhist perspective. Can I approach with curiosity and equanimity anything that arises in my practice, even when there's a 'charge' or strong feeling on said topic or subject? Perhaps the following questions could be considered food for thought or for conversation later among our dojo members:
- What standards, if any, are provided in written form that describe the expectations of what needs to be demonstrated for each of the dan ranks, up to 10th Dan?
- What opportunity is there, if any, for any given Board member to practice with higher ranking dan candidates in order to review specific strengths and concerns – such that a candidate can address concerns prior to a formal demonstration?
- In what ways, if at all, may higher ranking dan candidates express the evolution of their aikido (such that basic techniques may not be seen by the naked eye, or may be discarded because they’re not as effective as another type of technique, or techniques from other styles incorporated, etc.)?
- What measures exist, if any, to evaluate the effect of a candidate’s aikido on other people as part of acquiring higher dan ranks?
- If there are no set standards for the promotion to higher dan levels, then on what evidence do Board members rely upon to make decisions to grant higher dan levels - which are fair and consistent across candidates?
- If there are no set standards for the promotion to higher dan levels, then what is the purpose of pursuing such levels in the first place?
- How can we support our Sensei/Dojo Cho and Sempai given the current circumstances (and with their consent)?
It is my sincere hope that the Board’s decision was not a retaliation toward either Kayla Sensei or Brandon Sempai for leaning toward the experimental in the evolution of their respective practices. I would be deeply disappointed if the Board’s decision occurred as a result of Brandon’s aikido not fitting someone else’s traditional ‘filters’ of what is/isn’t ‘their’ aikido.
My view of aikido is similar to that of my view as a mental health professional: there is no one
(therapeutic) style or technique that fits all ‘problems’; some styles or techniques are more or less effective than others depending with whom I work, and it’s worth experimenting to find out and evolve as a practitioner. I would hate to see negative ramifications for anyone experimenting with their aikido; it is part of what makes the art come alive for me, and what inspires me to want to practice at this dojo (and visit Nick’s dojo). I have enjoyed practicing with Kayla Sensei for as long as I've been a member of her dojo, very much due to her openness on and off the mat.
As I'm working full-time, breastfeeding full-time, and sharing caregiving duties of a 6 month old with Nick, I am much more selective in the uses of my time if it’s not related to sleep or food. I plan to return to practice at Aikido of Berkeley, and am looking forward to visiting other dojos when such occasions arise. However, as an adult with the freedom to choose how I spend my time and resources, I do not plan to attend CAA Division 1 events, because at this point I’m just not inspired to do so.
While it may demonstrate some hubris on my part to say this, I hold the perspective that Brandon Sempai is a 4th dan in our dojo, regardless of what the CAA Division 1 Board says. I base this on having practiced since 2003 in the dojo, and borne witness to the effect of Brandon’s aikido both on and off the mat. Aside from the solidity of Brandon's practice of Aikido techniques, the content of Brandon’s character – his demonstration of honor, integrity, respect for others, self-discipline, dedication, and role-modeling – has been consistent and reliable both on and off the mat. I also hold the perspective that there is no rank – military, martial arts, or otherwise – that adequately or accurately reflects the degree to which any human being endures great sorrow, pain, or disrespect, yet does not project their suffering onto other beings. So to me, Brandon is both 4th Dan and simultaneously needs no rank recognition.
Last, but certainly not least: What is most notable about the events during the CAA weekend is that despite not having been granted a higher rank just after his demonstration (I feel that both Kayla Sensei and Brandon Sempai were greatly disrespected by the members of the Board in this matter) – it appeared from Brandon’s online journal entry that he 1) didn’t walk out in a huff, 2) still chose to practice on the mat anyway, and 3) did so without a sense of retaliation or vengeance and WITH a high level of honor and integrity – in keeping with the one of the major intents of aikido. (Personally, I think Brandon should’ve gotten the 4th Dan for that alone.) It is
my understanding that Kayla Sensei and other members of our dojo who were present chose to respond to such shocking and disheartening news in the same manner.
Now THAT’s the kind of aikido I want to practice, and it’s also the kind of aikido I want my child to witness as she grows.
See you on the mat Tuesday (tomorrow) night. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, Nick Walker Sensei, our 6 month old daughter, and I will be there.
Much love to all,
Leslie
I could not agree more with your conclusions. As one that does not see rank as having any meaning i still feel that at Brandon's level of practice and dedication (which is really all that these higher rank tests usually reflect) should deserve recognition and passage, and from what i have heard his demonstration was more interesting than any of the others. It is disrespectful to what is going on at our Dojo and the integration of styles which we enjoy. Aikido has nothing to do with rigidity and when demonstrated, such as done by the board, should remind us to always trust our own feelings and choices. Rank or no "rank" Branden is still a great Aikidoka and great teacher and that is all that really matters to me. I hope he does not waist any time and energy worrying about the boards decision.
I completely agree with your comments. Having said that I recall what my Sensei once told me, which is that people should train for rank to give themselves a goal and improve themselves and also to inspire other people. Brandon certainly has done both!
Belonging to organizaions always has good and bad aspects--they have to be weighed carefully. I admire Brandon for continuing to train even in the face of not having been promoted. Blending with adversity seems like the very essence of Aikido. Brandon's behavior shows what an outstanding Aikidoka he really is.
more coming...
Labels: Aikido, bdwc, CAA, conflict
| posted by Brandon @ 6/02/2007 11:07:00 PM
Still Life, or,
this must still be life.
this must still be life.
Again, I'm not sure what to make of this. It may drag on, as there are many voices to be heard.
For the seventeen years I have been training, since the current California Aikido Association was called the Aikido Association of Northern California, the third degree black belt (sandan) is the last level of advancement for which a test is required. I took that test exactly four years ago and, though I thought I did a sub-par job, was congratulated and promoted. People offer sublime and less deserving demonstrations from time to time, get promoted regardless, and training moves on unhindered by the vagaries of human potential and realization.
There are the same number of years of training required between tests as corresponds to the advanced belt level. For fourth degree black belt (yondan) the student is expected to train over 800 days over four years. When you are ready your 6th degree black belt instructor, in my case Kayla Feder Sensei, recommends you for promotion, you give a demonstration, and begin training for your godan, or fifth degree black belt. There are a wide range of skill levels in all advancement processes but, as no one is asked to test before they are ready, any outcome but congratulations is an extreme rarity. Of late Japan seems to be desiring more than the minimum duration to pass before promotions and some others are also receiving promotion but having to wait for it to go through Hombu Dojo. Usually no big deal.
Many moons ago Kayla Sensei asked me to begin preparing in earnest for my demo and let all the powers that be know our dojo would be appearing en masse at this years group training (Gasshuku) which traditionally happens in San Diego on Memorial Day Weekend. I began preparing, making lists of techniques, writing my essay, recruiting partners, etc.
Then Aidan died.
Then we chose to leave everything and wander and go see family and finish the dissertation and...
Sensei asked if I still intended to demonstrate. I decided to forge ahead and, in addition, restructured the demo at Sensei's very wise request. I had certainly made it too complex and rehearsal intensive and she wanted our most dynamic lower ranked folks with beautiful ukemi (taking falls) to participate more centrally. I scheduled days of demo training and a week of living at the dojo and training with Sensei to prepare before driving to San Diego. When Sensei accepted a wonderful invitation to go to New York with her mother for precisely that week I agreed to teach every class and act as sensei in her absence. One of our good friends checked herself in to emergency psychiatric care and I visited her every day before we left as she was prevented from attempting suicide by a 27x7 guard. At the same time Lisa and I were completely moving out of our home of almost a decade, into three storage areas, I was preparing the final modifications to Serenity (our van) and Lisa lead the charge to completely re-paint our new apartment so it can be sublet.
WE all live in a yellow submarine. Get ready to come as your favorite provocative Beatles song to our "dig our digs" party in the Fall.
Moving was a crazy-busy and extremely stress and tearful couple of weeks. I am ashamed to admit I made Lisa and Iris wait through HOURS of my agonizing over which books to take and how to store them in the van. As always we had lots of wonderful help from friends, family, and community without which we could not have survived.When Sensei returned we who had been hard at work in her absence performed the demo for all to see and received enthusiastic approval. The next day Lisa and I drove southward, not to return until Fall, and spent over twelve hours the second day alone sitting in Memorial Day Weekend traffic trying to get to San Diego. Pat Sensei spoke eloquently about there being no "right" Aikido but many entirely valid paths in this Way. If it works, it works - no matter what it looks like outside. Three of Bernice Sensei's students took beautiful, solid, more or less identical sandan tests.
On Saturday May 26th, 2007, Larry Bardach and I both skipped a class I would very much rather have enjoyed in order to nap and be ready for our respective yondan demos. After lunch I gave what by most accounts was a wonderful demo. It wasn't as good at it had been in Berkeley but, against common practice, I actually felt pretty satisfied. I had successfully avoided breaking or burying anybody, illustrated advanced technique with an appropriate level of subtlety, and Aikido of the required level was had by all.
The board didn't seem to think so and chose not to accept Kayla Sensei's recommendation for my promotion. apparently they wanted to see the more exaggerated extension and visible hip movement and spacious pauses associated with Iwama Style, rather than the more advanced movement I had presented. After over an hour and a half of closed door deliberations they promoted every other candidate that day, asked me to do it again next year, and closed the issue. Profoundly conflicted, Kayla Sensei presented the board's decision to me as I sat before them, and through later tears realized she had missed the moment to insist on the outcome she preferred and new was Right. Courageously she returned, insisted on reconvening the group during the evening party, watched the footage of the demo, and the decision has upheld. It became clear to her that many of the group continued to cling to and labor under persistent misunderstandings that she agreed with the decision. There were many tears of remorse and anger. Needless to say, the deshi who had all come in support from Aikido of Berkeley did not party as we had intended that night. I haven't actually seen the video footage yet. When I do I'll probably YouTube it and post it on my blog. I'll decide that later, I guess.
A few things that would need to be said if this system were not a traditional hierarchy designed to consolidate power and privilege:
During a particularly hard time in her life, Pat Sensei decided all kinds of things about me many years ago which led her to praise excessively my two years of service as her apprentice and then banish me from Aikido of San Leandro and state that "the universe requires it". I returned twice thereafter to investigate her state of mind and attempt to return to training and was rejected. Inexplicably, she began treating me like a long lost friend a few years after. During these more recent proceedings in San Diego she suggested that she thought I was near a psychotic break. After hearing the various fantasies circling me I realized how truly I don't want to carry these particular heavy projections for this group and these people any more. I also realized they don't strike me to the heart as did Pat Sensei's cutting me off from my family at Aikido of San Leandro. Their behavior is so bizarre that interest in what is going on under the surface at first easily trumped personal affront and feelings of injury. To the unanimously furious assembly of those who sought me out to offer congratulations I recommended the adoption of a martially neutral, wait-and-see position and enjoyment of training unless they knew something I didn't and could think of a way everyone could get what was needed.
I decided not to return the following morning and to consider if returning next year was of interest when it presented itself. Rankless training groups (including the Guardians of Peace idea) seem very attractive at the moment, but these kind of dynamics simply come up in different guises. People do ridiculous things to each other and cause great quantities of needless suffering. The question is how to create systems that expect and deal well with that. There are times for just smashing what doesn't work but, in the end, what's the point? I guess I've just never seen that come out well after the Revolution. I resolved to include it in my dissertation and went to bed.
I began to reflect as I awoke on Sunday morning. I knew when I began following Kayla Sensei that we would add to each others' burdens of being a bit marginalized due to insufficiently resembling narrow ideas of what "Iwama Style" means. We freely exhibit variations of flowing movement, light humor and joy while training (as written by O'Sensei), and depth of relational and community process which is regularly and traditionally discouraged in the ranks not having attained the heights in our division. I also reflected on the various ways to interact with a closed hierarchy and considered more direct forms of activism like the petition already begun by our apprentices and the sheaves of resignation letters already offered unsolicited by over a dozen deshi. Finally I reflected on what opportunities I would want if I were on that board and had participated in an injustice, and resolved to be the deshi I would respect most. Also because there was Aikido to be had with teachers I love to throw and be thrown by, after all, and that can hardly ever be a thing to miss, I went back.
On our final morning together I brought my best energy, methodically trained with each member of the board, released as much expectation as possible that anything would change, and informally reviewed the demo on the open mat between classes, emphasizing basic movement, extension, and solid stillness between techniques, silently making abundantly clear to everyone in the dojo that the qualities the board had missed were consistently in play as they have been throughout my black belt years. They are, after all, the reasons Kayla Sensei has me teach every Beginners' Class at Aikido of Berkeley as well as every Wednesday morning and every other Saturday. The morning training was a pleasure, I wore all the skin off the top of my toes, Louis Sensei called me up to take ukemi and mentioned later how strong I seem to him. Pat Sensei squinted and asked how I was. Bernice Sensei suggested I extend my fingers more so I left off being super-careful with her and gave her fragile frame another 10% after which she allowed "I knew you have it in you - we just didn't see it yesterday." All in all, as everyone grabbed and threw me around, tried and failed to resist me or disturb my balance, etc. it was extremely weird. And, of course, nothing changed.
Power systems can be so pathetic. I'm glad no more was at stake than the good feeling of everyone in our dojo toward the organization, income during our travels (a 4th dan makes more for demos and workshops than a 3rd dan), the integrity of a leadership who occasionally lay claim to being process-savvy, and the relationships of everybody involved. Under other circumstances the consequences of singling someone out who is struggling to recover from major tragedy and a huge project and transition to make an example of them for not conforming utterly could have been risky.
As is usual at public events, members of Aikido of Berkeley received various deshi from other places saying the equivalent of "with no disrespect intended to our teacher, we'd love to come train with you guys."
Then we left.
I am a bizarre and confusing mix of anger (blends into existential/targetless grief-anger) and sarcasm, as you no doubt have noticed, and exhausted, and proud to have been promoted to Yondan by Kayla Sensei, and determined to write a ton, and whelmed by the prospect before me, and powerless, and powerful, and good grief....
What do you do with a wealth of experiences all in one time frame which give the lie to the idea of Justice, cause a great deal of pain, and about which you can effectively do nothing? I'm getting to the point of just not wanting to talk about these things as they pile up, so I get uncharacteristically close to clamming up and hoping for the next hit to be a bit farther away.
Today I am in Oxnard writing with a professional research and writing coach. Tomorrow I will be too. I'm exhausted and demoralized and looking forward to some glimmer at the end of this pervasive dark I am hoping is at least as structured as a tunnel, even if the light is an oncoming train.
This scrap of prose is in the vein of what I am learning from Karen Koepp as we go through two days of intensive dissertation writing. Just write it down. Do something with it no matter what you feel like at the moment. Edit later.
Back to pounding away at the keys and then to bed.
The latter is that flat, rectangular, puffy thing without the To-do list.
Labels: Aikido, CAA, conflict, daily, injustice, video
| posted by Brandon @ 5/28/2007 08:35:00 PM
