Flight Plan (subject to change with or without notice) as of evening May 29th in Oxnard, CA) right on almost the cleanest beach we've ever seen). Note the Epworth TShirt. I miss home already.
- Wed 30th driving to Prescott and crashing with Susan Adams (Director of The Leadership Center at Yavapai College of the Arizona Civic Leadership Initiative) that night.
- Thu 31st all day is spent at the Grand Canyon
- Fri morning June 1st driving south to Tucson (seeing cool stuff along the way) to spend time with Eric and Brian.
- Staying there until leaving June 3rd, Sunday morning, headed for Roswell by Sunday night
- Monday 4th we explore there and then Carlsbad. Tuesday the 5th we leave Carlsbad and arrive in Dallas in time for a big family dinner before the Keepins head north Wednesday morning early. In Dallas we'll stay a while as I write like mad again, see folks, train at North Texas Aikido, etc.
- From there we'll go to Mason, San Antonio, and Austin at some point (for me to give an Aikido seminar) and return.
Click here for our Flight Plan map thus far. If that doesn't work, try this http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?f=q&hl=en&ie=UTF8&msa=0&msid=113377647598955470334.00000112dba90a4fcf04a&ll=32.755879,-96.845537&spn=0.00102,0.002266&t=k&z=19&om=1
Labels: daily, littlefire, travel, walkabout
| posted by Unknown @ 5/29/2007 10:56:00 PM
Still Life, or,
this must still be life.
this must still be life.
Again, I'm not sure what to make of this. It may drag on, as there are many voices to be heard.
For the seventeen years I have been training, since the current California Aikido Association was called the Aikido Association of Northern California, the third degree black belt (sandan) is the last level of advancement for which a test is required. I took that test exactly four years ago and, though I thought I did a sub-par job, was congratulated and promoted. People offer sublime and less deserving demonstrations from time to time, get promoted regardless, and training moves on unhindered by the vagaries of human potential and realization.
There are the same number of years of training required between tests as corresponds to the advanced belt level. For fourth degree black belt (yondan) the student is expected to train over 800 days over four years. When you are ready your 6th degree black belt instructor, in my case Kayla Feder Sensei, recommends you for promotion, you give a demonstration, and begin training for your godan, or fifth degree black belt. There are a wide range of skill levels in all advancement processes but, as no one is asked to test before they are ready, any outcome but congratulations is an extreme rarity. Of late Japan seems to be desiring more than the minimum duration to pass before promotions and some others are also receiving promotion but having to wait for it to go through Hombu Dojo. Usually no big deal.
Many moons ago Kayla Sensei asked me to begin preparing in earnest for my demo and let all the powers that be know our dojo would be appearing en masse at this years group training (Gasshuku) which traditionally happens in San Diego on Memorial Day Weekend. I began preparing, making lists of techniques, writing my essay, recruiting partners, etc.
Then Aidan died.
Then we chose to leave everything and wander and go see family and finish the dissertation and...
Sensei asked if I still intended to demonstrate. I decided to forge ahead and, in addition, restructured the demo at Sensei's very wise request. I had certainly made it too complex and rehearsal intensive and she wanted our most dynamic lower ranked folks with beautiful ukemi (taking falls) to participate more centrally. I scheduled days of demo training and a week of living at the dojo and training with Sensei to prepare before driving to San Diego. When Sensei accepted a wonderful invitation to go to New York with her mother for precisely that week I agreed to teach every class and act as sensei in her absence. One of our good friends checked herself in to emergency psychiatric care and I visited her every day before we left as she was prevented from attempting suicide by a 27x7 guard. At the same time Lisa and I were completely moving out of our home of almost a decade, into three storage areas, I was preparing the final modifications to Serenity (our van) and Lisa lead the charge to completely re-paint our new apartment so it can be sublet.
WE all live in a yellow submarine. Get ready to come as your favorite provocative Beatles song to our "dig our digs" party in the Fall.
Moving was a crazy-busy and extremely stress and tearful couple of weeks. I am ashamed to admit I made Lisa and Iris wait through HOURS of my agonizing over which books to take and how to store them in the van. As always we had lots of wonderful help from friends, family, and community without which we could not have survived.When Sensei returned we who had been hard at work in her absence performed the demo for all to see and received enthusiastic approval. The next day Lisa and I drove southward, not to return until Fall, and spent over twelve hours the second day alone sitting in Memorial Day Weekend traffic trying to get to San Diego. Pat Sensei spoke eloquently about there being no "right" Aikido but many entirely valid paths in this Way. If it works, it works - no matter what it looks like outside. Three of Bernice Sensei's students took beautiful, solid, more or less identical sandan tests.
On Saturday May 26th, 2007, Larry Bardach and I both skipped a class I would very much rather have enjoyed in order to nap and be ready for our respective yondan demos. After lunch I gave what by most accounts was a wonderful demo. It wasn't as good at it had been in Berkeley but, against common practice, I actually felt pretty satisfied. I had successfully avoided breaking or burying anybody, illustrated advanced technique with an appropriate level of subtlety, and Aikido of the required level was had by all.
The board didn't seem to think so and chose not to accept Kayla Sensei's recommendation for my promotion. apparently they wanted to see the more exaggerated extension and visible hip movement and spacious pauses associated with Iwama Style, rather than the more advanced movement I had presented. After over an hour and a half of closed door deliberations they promoted every other candidate that day, asked me to do it again next year, and closed the issue. Profoundly conflicted, Kayla Sensei presented the board's decision to me as I sat before them, and through later tears realized she had missed the moment to insist on the outcome she preferred and new was Right. Courageously she returned, insisted on reconvening the group during the evening party, watched the footage of the demo, and the decision has upheld. It became clear to her that many of the group continued to cling to and labor under persistent misunderstandings that she agreed with the decision. There were many tears of remorse and anger. Needless to say, the deshi who had all come in support from Aikido of Berkeley did not party as we had intended that night. I haven't actually seen the video footage yet. When I do I'll probably YouTube it and post it on my blog. I'll decide that later, I guess.
A few things that would need to be said if this system were not a traditional hierarchy designed to consolidate power and privilege:
During a particularly hard time in her life, Pat Sensei decided all kinds of things about me many years ago which led her to praise excessively my two years of service as her apprentice and then banish me from Aikido of San Leandro and state that "the universe requires it". I returned twice thereafter to investigate her state of mind and attempt to return to training and was rejected. Inexplicably, she began treating me like a long lost friend a few years after. During these more recent proceedings in San Diego she suggested that she thought I was near a psychotic break. After hearing the various fantasies circling me I realized how truly I don't want to carry these particular heavy projections for this group and these people any more. I also realized they don't strike me to the heart as did Pat Sensei's cutting me off from my family at Aikido of San Leandro. Their behavior is so bizarre that interest in what is going on under the surface at first easily trumped personal affront and feelings of injury. To the unanimously furious assembly of those who sought me out to offer congratulations I recommended the adoption of a martially neutral, wait-and-see position and enjoyment of training unless they knew something I didn't and could think of a way everyone could get what was needed.
I decided not to return the following morning and to consider if returning next year was of interest when it presented itself. Rankless training groups (including the Guardians of Peace idea) seem very attractive at the moment, but these kind of dynamics simply come up in different guises. People do ridiculous things to each other and cause great quantities of needless suffering. The question is how to create systems that expect and deal well with that. There are times for just smashing what doesn't work but, in the end, what's the point? I guess I've just never seen that come out well after the Revolution. I resolved to include it in my dissertation and went to bed.
I began to reflect as I awoke on Sunday morning. I knew when I began following Kayla Sensei that we would add to each others' burdens of being a bit marginalized due to insufficiently resembling narrow ideas of what "Iwama Style" means. We freely exhibit variations of flowing movement, light humor and joy while training (as written by O'Sensei), and depth of relational and community process which is regularly and traditionally discouraged in the ranks not having attained the heights in our division. I also reflected on the various ways to interact with a closed hierarchy and considered more direct forms of activism like the petition already begun by our apprentices and the sheaves of resignation letters already offered unsolicited by over a dozen deshi. Finally I reflected on what opportunities I would want if I were on that board and had participated in an injustice, and resolved to be the deshi I would respect most. Also because there was Aikido to be had with teachers I love to throw and be thrown by, after all, and that can hardly ever be a thing to miss, I went back.
On our final morning together I brought my best energy, methodically trained with each member of the board, released as much expectation as possible that anything would change, and informally reviewed the demo on the open mat between classes, emphasizing basic movement, extension, and solid stillness between techniques, silently making abundantly clear to everyone in the dojo that the qualities the board had missed were consistently in play as they have been throughout my black belt years. They are, after all, the reasons Kayla Sensei has me teach every Beginners' Class at Aikido of Berkeley as well as every Wednesday morning and every other Saturday. The morning training was a pleasure, I wore all the skin off the top of my toes, Louis Sensei called me up to take ukemi and mentioned later how strong I seem to him. Pat Sensei squinted and asked how I was. Bernice Sensei suggested I extend my fingers more so I left off being super-careful with her and gave her fragile frame another 10% after which she allowed "I knew you have it in you - we just didn't see it yesterday." All in all, as everyone grabbed and threw me around, tried and failed to resist me or disturb my balance, etc. it was extremely weird. And, of course, nothing changed.
Power systems can be so pathetic. I'm glad no more was at stake than the good feeling of everyone in our dojo toward the organization, income during our travels (a 4th dan makes more for demos and workshops than a 3rd dan), the integrity of a leadership who occasionally lay claim to being process-savvy, and the relationships of everybody involved. Under other circumstances the consequences of singling someone out who is struggling to recover from major tragedy and a huge project and transition to make an example of them for not conforming utterly could have been risky.
As is usual at public events, members of Aikido of Berkeley received various deshi from other places saying the equivalent of "with no disrespect intended to our teacher, we'd love to come train with you guys."
Then we left.
I am a bizarre and confusing mix of anger (blends into existential/targetless grief-anger) and sarcasm, as you no doubt have noticed, and exhausted, and proud to have been promoted to Yondan by Kayla Sensei, and determined to write a ton, and whelmed by the prospect before me, and powerless, and powerful, and good grief....
What do you do with a wealth of experiences all in one time frame which give the lie to the idea of Justice, cause a great deal of pain, and about which you can effectively do nothing? I'm getting to the point of just not wanting to talk about these things as they pile up, so I get uncharacteristically close to clamming up and hoping for the next hit to be a bit farther away.
Today I am in Oxnard writing with a professional research and writing coach. Tomorrow I will be too. I'm exhausted and demoralized and looking forward to some glimmer at the end of this pervasive dark I am hoping is at least as structured as a tunnel, even if the light is an oncoming train.
This scrap of prose is in the vein of what I am learning from Karen Koepp as we go through two days of intensive dissertation writing. Just write it down. Do something with it no matter what you feel like at the moment. Edit later.
Back to pounding away at the keys and then to bed.
The latter is that flat, rectangular, puffy thing without the To-do list.
Labels: Aikido, CAA, conflict, daily, injustice, video
| posted by Unknown @ 5/28/2007 08:35:00 PM
Did you ever have a week with so much in it...
that the extremities of feeling went so far as to blur the distinctions between the things you ordinarily would have either loved or detested,
that you found yourself eating somebody else's Vienna Sausages from an empty cupboard
and cleaning the wax out of your ear with a bobby pin you found on the floor behind the fridge
and being so far beyond that the resemblance between the two couldn't even put you off your feed?
Nah.
Me neither.
At the same time we've: moved out of our home of eight years (with amazing help from Jerry and Charles and Ben and Justin and Iris and Leon) into four storage areas (thanks you John and Ingrid) and Serenity (our van) and begun living on four wheels, visited a friend in the hospital every day, painted the new sublet (Lisa doing the VAST majority of the work with the help of Richard and Jerry and Iris), closed out business with previous employers and clients all over the area, provided an intensive week of acting as Sensei and teaching every class while Kayla Sensei is away, met with Naomi Keepin who will be acting as out administrative assistant while we are gone, prepared every day and presented the local version of my Yondan demonstration (video of the dress rehearsal later), sorted all the books we'll have with us for me to be able to write, moved furniture in for the sublet of the sublet (still looking for somebody to live there in June), and a few other odds and ends.
Today we leave, after doing much of what remains on our list.
that the extremities of feeling went so far as to blur the distinctions between the things you ordinarily would have either loved or detested,
that you found yourself eating somebody else's Vienna Sausages from an empty cupboard
and cleaning the wax out of your ear with a bobby pin you found on the floor behind the fridge
and being so far beyond that the resemblance between the two couldn't even put you off your feed?
Nah.
Me neither.
At the same time we've: moved out of our home of eight years (with amazing help from Jerry and Charles and Ben and Justin and Iris and Leon) into four storage areas (thanks you John and Ingrid) and Serenity (our van) and begun living on four wheels, visited a friend in the hospital every day, painted the new sublet (Lisa doing the VAST majority of the work with the help of Richard and Jerry and Iris), closed out business with previous employers and clients all over the area, provided an intensive week of acting as Sensei and teaching every class while Kayla Sensei is away, met with Naomi Keepin who will be acting as out administrative assistant while we are gone, prepared every day and presented the local version of my Yondan demonstration (video of the dress rehearsal later), sorted all the books we'll have with us for me to be able to write, moved furniture in for the sublet of the sublet (still looking for somebody to live there in June), and a few other odds and ends.
Today we leave, after doing much of what remains on our list.
Labels: daily
| posted by Unknown @ 5/24/2007 06:47:00 AM
You are The Magician
Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.
Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.
The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
Dunno. Sometimes. Hmmm.
Labels: tarot
| posted by Unknown @ 5/20/2007 06:48:00 PM
Below is the podcast of my brief conversation with Bessel van der Kolk during the Imagination and Medicine conference, wherein he expresses his thoughts about the benefits of Aikido relative to processing and recovering from trauma. Also see my earlier blog post. I offered a class on the Sunday morning following our conversation and he returned to campus for the class, even though originally he had not intended to do so before catching his flight home. Several folks came, we stretched and moved together and learned beginning techniques. Afterward I played the Aikido of Berkeley video on YouTube and took questions. One woman had been away from training for some time and is now inspired to return. Bessel will be looking for a dojo in the Boston area.
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Here too is audio of Robert Kennedy Jr speaking at the Sacred Activism conference. If you'd like to purchase the recording (much better quality and you can pass it around to friends) please support Conference Recording Service by going to their website and paying for this (and SO many other examples of) excellent activism in progress. They (we) record for nothing but what we earn from on-site sales, and then give a healthy portion back to the folks doing the excellent work of spreading this word to do this work.
1 of 2
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2 of 2
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We disbursed the funds very generously donated to Aidan's "Little Fire Fund" in two portions: half to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood (SUDC) project and half to the fund at Epworth UMC to refurbish the children's area. Funds donated to ABC in his name hereafter will support the trip as it applies to building support for the Guardians of Peace. Thank you so much for reading my messages and responding when we have asked for help. More importantly, please let the circuit complete when you have needs of some kind. Send an email or make a call and let me know what is needed (if that is clear - or not) so that word may go out and your situation may be known and responded to.
Things with which we need help/participation which are of immediate concern:
A friend asked where I am in the dissertation process. This was my reply, more or less. I'm still in the "Bit by Bit" mode as we attempt to make the best use of our last week (until Fall) in the Bay Area. After my Aikido demonstration in San Diego on Memorial Day weekend Lisa and I will drive back up to Oxnard for a two-day dissertation writing intensive facilitated by a professional researcher and writer. I need an editable and more or less complete version of my first two chapters to go in to my committee for approval before I take any additional steps and before I may expect any more financial (loan) support. Thanks for asking!
Finding somebody to sublet our apartment is not going so well. The fellow coming from Paris to work at Cal on things economical was very eager, but ended up wanting to stay longer than we will be away and was unwilling to look for or accept help looking for other options for the last week of his visit. So, we're looking again to sublet our one bedroom and one bath, with a large third floor balcony with a beautiful view, one block from Milvia and University for a mere $800/mo.
Please leave comments about anything related to this post and tell your friends this is here.
Gratitude,
B
powered by ODEO
Here too is audio of Robert Kennedy Jr speaking at the Sacred Activism conference. If you'd like to purchase the recording (much better quality and you can pass it around to friends) please support Conference Recording Service by going to their website and paying for this (and SO many other examples of) excellent activism in progress. They (we) record for nothing but what we earn from on-site sales, and then give a healthy portion back to the folks doing the excellent work of spreading this word to do this work.
1 of 2
powered by ODEO
2 of 2
powered by ODEO
We disbursed the funds very generously donated to Aidan's "Little Fire Fund" in two portions: half to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood (SUDC) project and half to the fund at Epworth UMC to refurbish the children's area. Funds donated to ABC in his name hereafter will support the trip as it applies to building support for the Guardians of Peace. Thank you so much for reading my messages and responding when we have asked for help. More importantly, please let the circuit complete when you have needs of some kind. Send an email or make a call and let me know what is needed (if that is clear - or not) so that word may go out and your situation may be known and responded to.
Things with which we need help/participation which are of immediate concern:
- My Aikido demonstration in San Diego: rehearsals happen every class and the only local presentation is on this Wednesday night during the 6:30 and 8pm class.
- The van still needs any of the following:
- to connect our existing marine (deep cycle) battery to the alternator for charging and to act as starter back-up, and to connect it to whatever outlet or converter will allow it to produce grounded AC for appliances, or at least run DC lights and fans
- repair the relay, the burning out of which prevents our turn signals from operating
- door lock repair from when a guy tried to break in by coring the lock when I was sleeping inside
- maybe front end alignment (not a big problem at the moment)
- Beginning to paint (help?!) the new apartment on Monday morning and moving furniture in on Wednesday night or early Thursday.
A friend asked where I am in the dissertation process. This was my reply, more or less. I'm still in the "Bit by Bit" mode as we attempt to make the best use of our last week (until Fall) in the Bay Area. After my Aikido demonstration in San Diego on Memorial Day weekend Lisa and I will drive back up to Oxnard for a two-day dissertation writing intensive facilitated by a professional researcher and writer. I need an editable and more or less complete version of my first two chapters to go in to my committee for approval before I take any additional steps and before I may expect any more financial (loan) support. Thanks for asking!
Finding somebody to sublet our apartment is not going so well. The fellow coming from Paris to work at Cal on things economical was very eager, but ended up wanting to stay longer than we will be away and was unwilling to look for or accept help looking for other options for the last week of his visit. So, we're looking again to sublet our one bedroom and one bath, with a large third floor balcony with a beautiful view, one block from Milvia and University for a mere $800/mo.
Please leave comments about anything related to this post and tell your friends this is here.
Gratitude,
B
Labels: activism, daily, demo, diss, environment, Kennedy, littlefire
| posted by Unknown @ 5/18/2007 11:40:00 AM
I've had 3-4 hours of sleep every night since May 8th and been working rather hard. Sacred Activism was much better than I expected and offered some seriously heavy hitting, social justice speakers from the spiritualigious and political world. I should, at least, stream Robert Kennedy Jr.'s speech. It was 90 minutes of non-stop political insider content - almost without a breath, and profoundly evidential in speaking to current national and international dilemmas. Also Paul Ray's work on the "cultural creatives" subculture in the U.S. was clear and powerful as always.
Anyway, I'm exhausted and just starting the Weill Nutrition and Health conference in San Diego.
And I'm wanting the integrative practice of blogging since there is so much simply happening at light speed without the opportunity for public reflection. Dilemmas galore.
Anyway, I'm exhausted and just starting the Weill Nutrition and Health conference in San Diego.
And I'm wanting the integrative practice of blogging since there is so much simply happening at light speed without the opportunity for public reflection. Dilemmas galore.
Labels: activism, conference, CRS, daily, spiritualigion, work
| posted by Unknown @ 5/13/2007 12:11:00 PM
We just returned from the Epworth UMC Retreat at Monte Toyon. I've uploaded the photos I collected from several shutterbugs to Flickr for easy access. If clicking on the link doesn't work for you cut and past this URL http://www.flickr.com/gp/31872386@N00/155D0H
The ropes installations were lots of fun, the music and worship were wonderful, and I 'm looking forward to next time. Just like last year I walked away with the desire to spend more QT (quality time) with Epworthians, sitting and talking, chewing on ideas and swapping stories, etc. Community in depth is too precious to really dive in only once or twice a year.
The ropes installations were lots of fun, the music and worship were wonderful, and I 'm looking forward to next time. Just like last year I walked away with the desire to spend more QT (quality time) with Epworthians, sitting and talking, chewing on ideas and swapping stories, etc. Community in depth is too precious to really dive in only once or twice a year.
Labels: community, Epworth, image, Methodist
| posted by Unknown @ 5/08/2007 10:27:00 AM
Lotta Flux
Aeon's sister? Topless Philosophy Professor?
We watched The Interpreter last night in the van, on the asphalt previously known as our parking spot, outside the apartment previously known as our home. You may have noticed how, during extreme circumstances, the world seems more full of portentous synchronicities and similar. I was tempted to begin this post with an exchange between the characters played by Sean Penn and Nicole Kidman and call it dead = gone =? dead.
Tobin Keller: How do you feel about him?
Silvia Broome: I don't care for him.
Tobin Keller: Wouldn't mind if he were dead?
Silvia Broome: I wouldn't mind if he were gone.
Tobin Keller: Same thing.
Silvia Broome: No it isn't.
In a way dead and gone go together and gone feels parallel to dead such that having no home brings up all kinds of uncomfortable associations and fear.
We are in flux. Previous infrastructure is gone and new ways of being are required to stay sane and functional and take advantage of the freedom now possible.
Later, of course, after we do all the things for which we are responsible.
Hee hee heee, haaahh, ho, hooh hoooooo....
Ahh, crap.
Hmmm.
Labels: daily, death, walkabout, WilliamsCraig
| posted by Unknown @ 5/07/2007 11:00:00 AM
